But the whole truth is more complicated. When my first biopsy was scheduled, I didn’t
think I would talk about it on Facebook.
Then one day, while trusting the long odds for a favorable outcome, I
did mention the biopsy, more or less in passing.
When I first got the diagnosis on June 11,
however, I didn't immediately mention it on Facebook. There were a number of people I needed to
talk to privately first and I couldn't 'delegate' the spread of news to random
chance. For a couple of weeks, I
regretted having mentioned the biopsy at all.
Nevertheless, I knew pretty quickly I
needed to share this experience and I wasn't going to keep quiet. I particularly wanted to hear the stories of
others who had had even somewhat similar experiences. In order to connect, I wanted the use social
media and cyber-media.
My decision was supported by the early knowledge
that my diagnosis was not life-threatening.
Had I had doubts about my ultimately survival, I would have had a much
more difficult choice to make, because talking publicly means you cannot keep
secrets even from those who might wish to be protected – and whom you’d otherwise
be willing to protect -- from the knowledge.
If I was ‘going public,’ I needed to tell
my elderly mother that I had a cancer diagnosis. I did not want to create a situation in which
a dozen family members had to be drawn into a circle of secrecy and then
perhaps reminded from time to time that ‘Mom/Gram doesn’t know.’ Luckily, I could tell her while providing
great reassurance that my well-being was secure. Mom does not use social media, so she could
and would be spared much detail. And my
mother and I don’t live close to each other (she’s in Joplin, MO and I’m near
Chicago), so she didn’t need a lot of detail – appointments or evolving
treatment developments were beyond her ‘need to know.’ But I felt it was necessary to cover the
general news with her if I was going to speak of my illness publicly.
I also needed to share the information with
my equally elderly father-in-law and mother-in-law; FIL and MIL live a couple
of miles from Lee and me. We interact face-to-face
frequently. I could just imagine
constructing repeated explanations for schedule conflicts and unavailability. Better, I thought, to simply tell the truth
from the beginning. Certainly this was
the better decision for me and I knowingly but without much sense of conflict,
put my needs first. Had my news and my situation
been more frightening, perhaps I would have been more conflicted.
Interestingly, my decision did not receive
unqualified support. Some expressions of
resentment reached me, second-hand. That
part of my experience opens up into some very complex questions about
information sharing decisions and secret creating behaviors. The best decision probably varies from
situation to situation and person to person.
But I feel, for me in my situation, I made the best decision.
I feel fortunate that I have been able to
speak openly. I have received immeasurable
support from both expected and unpredictable sources. The general support has been treasured and
delightful. But I believe the very best outcome
of my decision was finding someone within my own existing circle of friends who
had been through almost exactly the same experience I am going through; she has
been able to alert me most effectively at each stage concerning what I might
expect as I move forward.
